On Toxic Positivity

MARÍA FERNÁNDEZ DE CÓRDOVA, "The most widespread false idea about happiness (and the only possible antidote) (Google Translated from Spanish)

Happiness is closer to seeing and accepting reality (with the good and the bad) than painting it barbicore pink . This is the only antidote to toxic positivity .

Tal Ben-Shahar , world expert on human happiness , says that "the expectation of being happy all the time , as some self-help books promise , is harmful. Wanting to be happier is legitimate and desirable, but we also have to be realistic : we cannot "always be happy . If we are not aware that it is inevitable to experience ups and downs , great disappointment awaits us." And he is not the only one to warn about the absence of realism in the concept we have of happiness . For renowned therapist Whitney Goodman , it's as if we are depriving ourselves of the opportunity to experience what it means to be human, with the good and the bad . "It seems that happiness and positivity have become a goal and an obligation . We are continually told that we should be more grateful or more positive. If something goes wrong in your life, it is because you have had a 'bad attitude' or because 'You're not trying hard enough .' (...) Positive thinking has been packaged and sold as the cure for all our problems." And, what's worse, we are taking it as the quickest path to happiness . For the Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han , we are witnessing "an excess of positivity that is leading to a society of fatigue ", which he defines as a society in which everyone lives in a hurry and stressed because they feel that they will not be able to achieve do anything you set out to do. Individuals are saturated with themselves because they want to meet the self-demands and productivity that they impose on themselves.

DISCONNECT FROM TOXIC POSITIVITY AND CONNECT WITH WHAT IS REAL

" Suffering , emotional pain , as well as unpleasant emotions are part of our nature as human beings . They can help us know ourselves , improve and grow . In fact, wanting to avoid or repress this ends up bringing many mental problems ," explains José G. Donate, psychologist at Instituto Centta. For Tal Ben-Shahar, we need to give ourselves permission to be human . "Allow yourself to feel depressed, sad or angry . It's natural. When we accept emotions such as fear , sadness or anxiety as natural, we are more likely to overcome them," he explains. "The paradox is that when we give ourselves permission to be human and experiencing painful emotions , increases our likelihood of also opening up to our positive emotions ."

TOLERATING SUFFERING, THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS REAL HAPPINESS

Radical acceptance is a technique developed by American professor and psychologist Marha Linehn , creator of dialectical behavioral therapy , and involves accepting pain as an inevitable part of life and that fighting this suffering usually leads to more suffering. For many experts, it is a good antidote to toxic positivity when we face real and inevitable situations of suffering. As therapist Whitney Goodman points out, "when we practice this skill, we are not agreeing, supporting or saying that we like the reality we live in. But we are accepting that we cannot change the facts or the situation , even if we do not like it or are not according to her," he points out in his new book Toxic Positivity (Diana, 2023). That is, it leads you to assume that life is full of experiences that you enjoy and others that you don't like. In fact, when you withdraw from or try to avoid sadness and pain , your ability to feel joy also decreases . You can practice this attitude by following the ten steps that this expert recommends:

1. See if you are questioning or fighting reality ('this isn't fair').

2. Remember that reality, no matter how unpleasant it may be, is as it is and cannot be changed ('this is what happened').

3. Keep in mind that there are causes that motivated this reality ('this is the way things happened').

4. Practice acceptance with your whole being (mind, body and spirit). Use internal dialogue for acceptance, relaxation techniques, awareness or imagination.

5. Make a list of the behaviors you could practice if you accepted the facts, and then try to carry them out, as if you had already accepted the facts.

6. Imagine that you believe what you do not want to accept, and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable.

7. Pay attention to your bodily sensations while you think about what you need to accept.

8. Allow disappointment, sadness, or heartbreak to emerge within you .

9. Recognize that life is worth living , even in pain.

10. Make a pros and cons list if you are reluctant to practice acceptance.

Note:  I disagree with the "radical acceptance" approach.  It's too Dao.  Accept if you have to (if its' trivial).  Transcend if its' anti-existential.